Virtue and Voracity

Eleven men stood on each side of one of the lines that had been drawn on the lawn. The gentlemen on one side were wearing red regimentals while the others wore white. As they assembled in an orderly manner and bent over, those who wore white snarled at those who wore red and the men in red did likewise.

Mr. Jonathan Higney-Pickering looked straight ahead at Mr. Andrew Wilerman and said, “Good day, Mr. Wilerman. I have it on excellent authority that your mother is of questionable reputation.” At which point Mr. Wilerman became warm and stated that Mr. Higney-Pickering was of no consequence and his information was unsound.

Further down the line Mr. Henry Fitzgammon took the opportunity to express the following to Mr. Thomas Badhusband: “Good sir, I will shortly run toward you with great speed, thrust you to the ground and trample upon your hindquarters.” Mr. Badhusband took no offense, but rather smiled and invited Mr. Fitzgammon to try.

There was an oddly shaped ball on the ground and one of the gentlemen in red reached down to touch it as the gentleman behind him, who was standing erect, began to shout with little concern for such ill behavior as would not befit a gentleman of his position. The man with his hand on the ball thrust it between his legs so that the gentleman behind him was forced to put his own hands out to catch it, lest he be injured.

This insufferable act set the gentlemen in white propelling themselves toward the men in red, as if all those in red were equally as responsible for holding the ball as the two gentlemen who had actually touched it. As promised, Mr. Fitzgammon did indeed thrust Mr. Badhusband to the ground and trample his hind-quarters.

The gentleman in red, who had the ball, fearing for his safety, threw it to Mr. Higney-Pickering who proceeded to run around, over and under all of the men in white who stood before him and did not stop until he reached the area at the end of the lawn which had been colored red. Having ended his journey, he threw the accursed ball down and began to walk around it in much the manner that a chicken might.

Several men, who had been staying out of the way of the men in regimentals, began shouting and throwing yellow handkerchiefs on the lawn. It had become evident that Mr. Badhusband, now able to stand, had elected to retaliate against Mr. Fitzgammon, had grabbed the lower portion of Mr. Fitzgammon’s headdress, the part which he wore across his face, and pulled with such abrupt force as to cause injury to him. Because Mr. Badhusband was wearing white, the gentlemen in red determined that this incident was of less importance to them than the happy occasion which had been precipitated by Mr. Higney Pickering’s achieving the end of the lawn.

There was a great deal of excitement which grew even more unseemly when Mr. Wilerman’s mother ripped away the bodice of her gown and ran across the lawn, thus reinforcing Mr. Higney-Pickering’s statement that she was indeed of questionable reputation.